A Few Thoughts at 50

Today I turned 50 years old. Of course, this grand event has prompted some thoughts about my life up to now. Here are a few, in addition to the immediate, "Why didn't I take today off and give myself an even longer weekend?" (Yesterday the whole family was off for President's Day.)

• Since my teen years, each decade for me has been better than the previous one. So yes, my teen decade was my worst, my 20s the second-worst, etc. And my 40s were, hands down, the best. (I'm not sure where my childhood years would go in this ordering. They're probably right up there with my 40s.)
  
• This doesn't mean that my 40s were a decade of uninterrupted joy. It had its share of struggles. But overall, I was happiest in my 40s.
  
• Years ending in a "9" have been the best for me. Age 19 was my Yellowstone year, and age 29 was the year I was discovering backpacking and planning to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. It was at age 39 that I became a mom. At 49 I lost my job, realigned my priorities, and found Jesus. (He was there all along, I suppose, but it was at 49 that I finally got eyes to see Him. And that has turned my whole life right-side-up).
  
• I think my 40s have partly been happy because it's the decade that I went the longest without suffering severe, suicidal depression. (Knock on wood.) I stopped taking medication of any kind in 2014 (at age 44), and haven't been seriously depressed since. I've had some depression/anxiety issues, but those had definite, real-life causes. Once those causes went away (such as the work-related ones from my previous job), so did the depression and anxiety.
  
• Much of my 40s happiness has been related to the fact that I had a child two months shy of my 40th birthday. Having a child forced me to quit being self-focused after 39 years of mostly-uninterrupted self-centeredness. It was a painful transition that took a few years ... but it was necessary and infinitely valuable.
  
• In my 40s, I stopped worrying about my weight, and generally about how I look in the mirror. Not that I totally let myself go or anything -- I still try to exercise, eat right, etc. But a gained pound here or there, or a bad hair day, or a zit (yes, I still get them) is no longer cause for anxiety.
  
• Despite all of that, I'm still kind of a coward in the "I-want-people-to-like-me" department. I don't stand up for what I believe as often as I should. It's a pride thing, and something I'm working on. Hmm, that give me an idea for a goal for my 50s ...
  
• I started keeping a journal at age 13. Which means I've been journaling, more or less regularly, for 37 years now. And I discovered the piano at age 4 ... which means I've loved piano for a whopping 46 years now. I feel infinitely grateful to have discovered my love for both piano and writing so young, and to have continued working on both all these years.
  
• I'll probably never be a Great Pianist or a Great Writer. It was in my 40s that I realized (or accepted) that ... and surprised myself by being okay with it.
  
• I have spent an inordinate amount of my life coming up with schedules and priority lists, trying to fit everything in and make everything work. Sometimes that works, but not usually.

I mentioned earlier that each decade of my life has been better than the one before. I'm not sure if I should expect the same of my 50s. Honestly speaking, this will probably be the decade where I lose at least one parent, and probably both. (They're both in their 80s.) This is the decade that will see my daughter's teen years; she's 10 now, which means that she'll be in college by the end of this decade, God willing. My husband (currently 57) and I will likely have some age-related health issues to deal with. And many people that I know and love will be entering their sixties, seventies, and eighties ... so there's a chance I will lose more people in the coming decade than in my previous ones combined.

Still, I am at a place of great peace spiritually. More so than at any other time in my life. And I know that will help me through the storms ahead.