Wandering Thoughts on Indiscriminate Affirmation

I have a co-worker (I’ll call her Debbie) who has a mountain of debt, mostly from a couple of years of college a decade ago. She talks about about her debt all the time—what a burden it is, how stressed she is about it. But she also buys breakfast and lunch every day, goes out for coffee regularly, and gets her hair dyed professionally every couple of months.

I’m not saying this to judge her, as I have a big log in my own eye often whined about my own debt while sipping on a venti Americano or a $9 glass of wine. But I bring up Debbie because of a recent social media post she made:

Debbie: Hey guys! So I reeealy want to get another tattoo. Yay or nay?

Friends: Yassss! You work so hard you deserve it! Yea gurl! Do it!

Debbie posts a variation of this question every few months. This time it was a tattoo. In the past, it’s been piercings, additional pets, vacations, even a house.

Someone (probably a stodgy old aunt) commented, “Not a good idea, Deb. Pay off some of that debt instead.” It’s the one comment that didn’t garner a “like” from Debbie.

(In case you’re wondering … I wasn’t the “aunt,” though her words echoed my own thoughts.)

Icky Affirmation Culture

Why am I bringing all of this up?

We seem to live in this icky “affirmation culture.” And I mean icky. When a person is in crippling debt, it probably is a bad idea to buy a house, or go on vacation, or even get a new pet or piercing or tattoo (or an Americano, or a $9 cabernet). A person in debt is being encouraged to spend money because she “deserves” to … but how does that make any sense? I know that Debbie needs friend-approval to make big purchases (my guess is that she knows she should keep her money), and her “friends” are giving her just want she wants—affirmation. But is affirmation what she needs? (That’s a rhetorical question.)

The Same Thing in Parenting

I see the same thing with parents and children (myself included): We think we are “loving” our kids by giving them what they want, but often we’re not giving them what they need.

Ooh. I just re-read that sentence and realized how off-base I am. In my case, at least, I know I’m not being loving when I give Sweet Boo what she wants and not what she needs.

What I’m being is lazy.

Isn’t it just easier to buy the toy or let the iPad babysit? In my own case, it’s easier not to make Sweet Boo go to bed early because doing so would mean conflict, and I HATE CONFLICT. So I let her stay up—which is what she wants, but is definitely not what she needs. (I’m reminded of this each morning when I find that Sweet Boo has transformed into Grumpy Boo.)

So maybe it’s not just laziness, but also conflict-avoidance. Which is a kind of laziness, I think.

What does all of this have to do with Debbie? And why am I still talking about Debbie?

Here’s Why: We Think (Indiscriminate) Affirmation Is a Good Thing

Now I’m not against affirming people, and affirmation can be a Good Thing. Personally, I love to give a sincere compliment to an unsuspecting friend or stranger. I love to provide genuine encouragement to people. But indiscriminate affirmation can be a dangerous thing.

1. It seems lately that it’s a Bad Thing to not affirm someone’s wishes and desires. After all, who am I to judge? “You do you,” right? But even if we’re astute enough to recognize the vast gulf between a friend’s wants and needs, we might still feel like we have to affirm the wants. (I realize that some people aren’t that astute. But moving on …)
2. Why do we feel this way? Partly because we don’t want to do the Bad Thing; we don’t want to hurt feelings, be unsupportive, or (gasp!) judge. But I also think many of us are masters of conflict-avoidance within our tribes. We’re lazy or apathetic. Or scared. We don’t want to be singled out as the agitator, or the judgy one, or the prude. (I am so describing myself here.)

Above, I say “we” with the assumption that other people are somewhat like me, and that I’m not as unique as I like to think. Or maybe I am … (!)

I call myself the “Nice Chameleon” here because most of my life has been characterized by this nice, conflict-avoiding, lets-all-get-along-and-indiscriminately-affirm-each-other attitude. I’ve often been quite good at taking on the “personality” of a group. It’s terribly two-faced, and it’s a despicable trait of mine that’s powered by a deep-seated pride. Since I became a Christian, it’s something I’ve had to confess every single day—the Lord is constantly opening my eyes to how easily and selfishly I “change colors” to match the group I’m with.

The Lord (well, the Bible, and my own intuitions during prayer, and messages I see here and there) has also told me that, in no uncertain terms, this “Nice Chameleon” mask has got to go. If this were an actual mask, it would be super-glued to my face, grown into the skin after years of use, worked its way into my blood. It’s been difficult to remove so far, and I have no doubt it will continue to be so. But I’m taking the first steps, even though I daily want to disappear into a hole, or at least my old safe space of chameleonism.

I imagined this little post would be 500 or so words, short and pithy. Instead, it’s 950 and counting. So I’ll stop now and revisit this topic a little later … because, believe it or not, it is building up to something.